I Don’t Feel Like Explaining

I wrote this 2 days ago, but I think I’m doing a little better now.
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I haven’t told many people because I don’t want to answer questions.

“How are you doing?” –Well, how do you THINK I’m doing???
I know, it’s natural for people to ask and I know they’re only asking because they care.

“What happened?” or “Was she sick?” –I know these questions are inevitable. I just don’t want to explain everything to everybody. For one, I, along with all the other doctors, don’t have all the explanations. In fact, no one seems to know exactly what happened and a lot of the information that I’ve received seems to be contradictory.

“She’s in a better place” –I don’t want to hear all that generic advice. I know all that. I AM thankful that she’s had a long life, almost 98 years. I AM thankful that she doesn’t have to suffer any more. She doesn’t have to complain any more about the pain that was not abated by medication, the pain that kept her awake during most nights.

I haven’t gotten many of these questions yet. Do I sound angry? Maybe. I’m not done with the doctors yet. Maybe I’m going through Kubler-Ross’ 2nd stage of grief. Whatever.

People wanna be a friend? Sure, let me know that if I need anything, you’ll be there. Take me out to eat. Hang out with me. Chuck a frisbee with me. Sit with me. I’m not trying to pretend that it never happened (that was stage 1) and I don’t need other people to do that. If you know what’s been going on with me, let me know that you know and just leave it at that.
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Even though I don’t feel like doing or saying anything, I’ve really appreciated people emailing, texting, & calling. I don’t want to do any talking. Can I just sit there in silence? Or can I just listen to what you’ve been doing? Anyhoo, seems like writing has been my outlet. For someone who doesn’t like to write, I’m amazed at all this spewage. But I did get these encouraging words today (thanks to Christine):

thanks for being open on your blog
so i could know how to pray

I never thought of it that way. So if YOU were going through this, how would you want people to support you? I know that I probably wouldn’t know what to say. I need to learn to be a better friend to other people. It’s not like I’ve never experienced a death of a loved one before, but going through this again will hopefully enlarge my capacity to be more sensitive, compassionate, and understanding of others who go through the same thing.

4 thoughts on “I Don’t Feel Like Explaining

  1. Hi. Sorry for now following up with you. You are not verbal about what's going with you, but you should could blog! These days, I learning to write things down.

    Well, I really cannot tell what's going with you cause I wasn't following your blog, and/or hanging out with you, like to sit with you, or whatever.

    My condolescences to your lost! Pray things will be better for you and even for the world! So much going on these days!

    Love in Christ,

    Liza

  2. just thought id tell you miss bumble bee went hungry yesterday because she didnt get any ramen. =/ next time, can we have ramen with fishball suprise? mmmmm.. =) miss you much. maybe dinner next week if you can?

  3. @liza, thanks for taking the time to read this. sorry i missed you in HK. maybe i'll see you next summer.

    @christine, thanks for the picture of you in your bumblebee costume–that certainly made me smile.

Talk to me, Goose.