New company policy

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the companys mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because thats all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

3 thoughts on “New company policy

  1. Let's counter some of them

    If you dress is expensive brands…correct you are getting paid more than enough…no raise

    if you dress poorly….wrong…that means they are not paying you enough for you to buy new clothes…raise

    if you dress just right….maybe…depending on work performance

    if I am sick and can't go to the doctor…that means the company isn't giving me benefit and not paying me enough

    if weekends are my only personal days…I might as well be working full-time at home

    if ppl can't leave for the dead then that means the company shows no respect for the dead…then shouldn't the company be dead cuz no one would respect the company?

    ppl can go in for 2 mins..come out and go back in…a way to work around the rule…however…if a picture is taken..company can be sued for pornography because they will be sitting on the toilet having bottom naked.

    lunch break contradicts the Bereavement Leave section…if I am fat or slim…there is no way skipping lunch gives me 1 hour to leave early because it's not equalvalent…also if I am chubby and only can drink slim fast..that means they are violating a law of giving a fulltime employee at least 30mins of lunch…and slim fast itself does not make you lose weight without exercise. also can't the company get sued for that law related to harrassment?

    lol let's hope this is not real…funny tho :)

Talk to me, Goose.